Armchair football managers

Liverpool FC did well today.

No, they didn't.

We (this is a collective 'we') got pasted by Oldham FC. I enjoyed the commentary on Twitter by the city's footballing experts who also work as bin men, drivers, in shops, factories, building sites and officers in their spare time: 

I'm going to swallow this defeat, drink a beer, kiss my LFC badge, dream of better days....and have a nice big vigorous wank.

Not the start we wanted.

Not the result we wanted.

What a shite match. I'm hoping this huge Chinese will improve matters

dont (sic)  worry lfc fans. You still have the best players in the world.

One of the worst games i have ever seen Liverpool play in, onwards and upwards YNWA#lfc

The last one is my favourite. OPTIMISM.

Karaoke in The Grapes? Who came up with that?

Me and the awd feller went to The Grapes on Mathew Street yesterday.

Nice place, where The Beatles used to go for a bevvy a million years ago, yada yada.

The toilets are a hell hole, but who can argue with two pints for a fiver, in town?

Not us.

Just save it up until you get home, I say. Don't break the seal and you'll be fine.

Anyway, the pints were lovely but who the frig came up with the idea of karaoke - at 4 o'clock in the afternoon?

Afternoons in The Grapes are for pints and The Beatles on the jukebox not a feller dressed in a PVC gimp suit on a lead singing 'Always On my Mind'.

You know I'm right.

Red, blue...what's der difference?

You's have to love dem footballers

Class

Abbey Crouch knocked back from The Playground

Then returns to the club with Alex Gerrard, and what do you know - they stroll right in:

I wonder if there were any Pancake lovers on the door?

Diet advice from the Daily Mail! Again.

Crap marketing techniques for writers, by writers

On Christmas Day, I jokingly asked for suggestions for the new kindle I got for Xmas via trusty old Twitter:

What with authors being a clever sort, all them words and everything I thought they'd just roll their eyes and think 'what a sarcastic cow'.

But no. Even though I'm new to Twitter I got got a wealth of suggestions even from those who don't follow me.

So I thought I'd try to drive the point home again:

But still the pleads for me to buy books came, with a joking 'Well since you ask!!??' One suggested a famous author followed by a pseudo-modest 'but you could always try mine too'.

Then I thought I'd try a little something else:

I drowned under Tweets from these.


Of course you have every right to say I asked for it - and of course I did - but I do despair of a writerly world where sarcasm and good old taking the piss aren't recognised by today's social commentators, albeit ones who make their views known via (from what I can make out) mild bodice rippers and unrecognised and unrequited literary crushes on James Bond.